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Disney Parks, Opinions and Commentary, Reviews

Animal Kingdom: Attractions Reviewed by Not Club 33

A collaboration by Pat Neistat and Steve Rhodes

All photos in this post are property of Disney.

All attractions were rated based on theming, enjoyment, and intangibles. Intangibles could be anything from simple wow-factor, nostalgia, or whatever else gives it that extra little bit of proverbial pixie dust.  Note: an asterisk next to the name indicated that one reviewer didn’t review the ride so the overall score was weighted to arrive at fair average on a ten point scale.  We also didn’t include anything that was a simple walkthrough attraction in our ratings. With all of that said let’s rate some rides bitches!!

For the TL/DR crowd: Attractions are listed from worst to first and we’ve color coded this shit so you can lazily scroll thru. You’re welcome.
RED (under 3 pts) = Brutal. ORANGE (3-6 pts) = meh. 
BLUE (6.01 to 8.00 pts) = Good. GREEN (8.01+ pts) = Hell Yes!

2.33 TriceraTop Spin
Image result for triceratop spin
Pat says: Brutal Dumbo reincarnation

Steve says: I gave partial credit on theming here, it’s really fits in with the shitty carnival motif that is DinoLand. Side note: my wonderful wife really thought Disney repurposed an old parking lot to make DinoLand. I had to explain to her that someone actually came up with this as the theme and it was built from scratch. Fuck Chester and Hester (google it kids)

3.67 Primeval Whirl

Image result for primeval whirl
Pat says: Kids will enjoy it and it’s something to do in the otherwise desolate Dinoland.

Steve says: I’m gonna puke

3.75 Rafiki’s Planet Watch

A room at Conversation Station with interactive games that teach Guests about animals
Pat says: Took the train to this SOB, and it’s a boring ‘conservation station’

Steve says: If you kid likes Doc McStuffins this is one of few places to meet her in the parks. I’ve now said something nice about Rafiki’s Planet Watch, consider it my good deed today.

5.00 Boneyard

Image result for boneyard animal kingdom
Steve says: here’s the link directly to Disney on this. It’s not good or bad enough for me to waste any more words on the topic.

7.33 Finding Nemo – The Musical

Image result for finding nemo the musical animal kingdom
Pat says: Beat the heat of Animal Kingdom and enjoy a show with Nemo and Friends 

7.50 Dinosaur
Image result for dinosaur animal kingdom
Pat says: The only ride worth going on in DinoLand 

Steve says: Go to DinoLand, ride this. Immediately exit DinoLand.

7.75 Flights of Wonder

Image result for flights of wonder animal kingdom
Pat says: Another great show at Animal Kingdom featuring 20+ exotic birds

7.92 Festival of the Lion King

Image result for festival of the lion king
Pat says: By far my favorite show- Don’t miss this one.

Steve says: Little shit like this is what separates Disney from being just a theme park

 

8.08 Kali River Rapids
Image result for kali river rapids
Pat says: Raft ride that is great for a hot day- guaranteed to get a little, or a lot, wet.

8.33* It’s Tough to be a Bug

Image result for it's tough to be a bug
Pat says: Fun concept but needs an updated 4k screen. Walking around the Tree of Life makes this worth it.

8.83 Expedition Everest

Image result for expedition everest
Pat says: If the damn Yeti worked, it would score even higher

Steve says : If you’re reading this before 2021 my guess is the damn Yeti is still broken (this was written in 2017). Either way this ride is still the shit.

8.83* Na’vi River Journey

Image result for na'vi river journey
Pat says: Bioluminescent forest is amazing, but the audio-animatronics steal the show. It sets a new standard for AA.

9.33 Kilimanjaro Safaris

Image result for kilimanjaro safari disney
Pat says: Closest thing you can get to an actual safari. A Disney classic.

Steve says: Yes, the animals are real so don’t be a dumbass, however you can expect some definite Disney touches along the way and your driver can make this a magical experience. Unless you’re a moron like this lady who thought she was going to die. Damnit  Angelica this is why we can’t have nice things. 

10.00* Avatar Flight of Passage

Related image
Pat says: This attraction is badass. It makes Soarin’ feel like a kiddie ride. Hands down best attraction on property! *Note this is no slight to Soarin’ it’s highly praised here.

 

Animal Kingdom: Stress-Free 1 Day Plan

Animal Kingdom Map

 

What’s your favorite attraction at Animal Kingdom? 
Do you agree with our rankings? Tell us what you think in the comments below and please help us out by sharing with with your friends on social media.

 

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