A collaboration by Pat Neistat and Steve Rhodes

All photos in this post are property of Disney.

All attractions were rated based on theming, enjoyment, and intangibles. Intangibles could be anything from simple wow-factor, nostalgia, or whatever else gives it that extra little bit of proverbial pixie dust.  Note: an asterisk next to the name indicated that one reviewer didn’t review the ride so the overall score was weighted to arrive at fair average on a ten point scale.  We also didn’t include anything that was a simple walkthrough attraction in our ratings. With all of that said let’s rate some rides bitches!!

For the TL/DR crowd: Attractions are listed from worst to first and we’ve color coded this shit so you can lazily scroll thru. You’re welcome.
RED (under 3 pts) = Brutal. ORANGE (3-6 pts) = meh. 
BLUE (6.01 to 8.00 pts) = Good. GREEN (8.01+ pts) = Hell Yes!

2.33 TriceraTop Spin

Pat says: Brutal Dumbo reincarnation

Steve says: I gave partial credit on theming here, it’s really fits in with the shitty carnival motif that is DinoLand. Side note: my wonderful wife really thought Disney repurposed an old parking lot to make DinoLand. I had to explain to her that someone actually came up with this as the theme and it was built from scratch. Fuck Chester and Hester (google it kids)

3.67 Primeval Whirl

Pat says: Kids will enjoy it and it’s something to do in the otherwise desolate Dinoland.

Steve says: I’m gonna puke

3.75 Rafiki’s Planet Watch

Pat says: Took the train to this SOB, and it’s a boring ‘conservation station’

Steve says: If you kid likes Doc McStuffins this is one of few places to meet her in the parks. I’ve now said something nice about Rafiki’s Planet Watch, consider it my good deed today.

5.00 Boneyard

Steve says: here’s the link directly to Disney on this. It’s not good or bad enough for me to waste any more words on the topic.

7.33 Finding Nemo – The Musical

Pat says: Beat the heat of Animal Kingdom and enjoy a show with Nemo and Friends 

7.50 Dinosaur

Pat says: The only ride worth going on in DinoLand 

Steve says: Go to DinoLand, ride this. Immediately exit DinoLand.

7.75 Flights of Wonder

Pat says: Another great show at Animal Kingdom featuring 20+ exotic birds

7.92 Festival of the Lion King

Pat says: By far my favorite show- Don’t miss this one.

Steve says: Little shit like this is what separates Disney from being just a theme park

8.08 Kali River Rapids

Pat says: Raft ride that is great for a hot day- guaranteed to get a little, or a lot, wet.

8.33* It’s Tough to be a Bug

Pat says: Fun concept but needs an updated 4k screen. Walking around the Tree of Life makes this worth it.

8.83 Expedition Everest

Pat says: If the damn Yeti worked, it would score even higher

Steve says : If you’re reading this before 2021 my guess is the damn Yeti is still broken (this was written in 2017). Either way this ride is still the shit.

8.83* Na’vi River Journey

Pat says: Bioluminescent forest is amazing, but the audio-animatronics steal the show. It sets a new standard for AA.

9.33 Kilimanjaro Safaris

Pat says: Closest thing you can get to an actual safari. A Disney classic.

Steve says: Yes, the animals are real so don’t be a dumbass, however you can expect some definite Disney touches along the way and your driver can make this a magical experience. Unless you’re a moron like this lady who thought she was going to die. Damnit  Angelica this is why we can’t have nice things. 

10.00* Avatar Flight of Passage

Pat says: This attraction is badass. It makes Soarin’ feel like a kiddie ride. Hands down best attraction on property! *Note this is no slight to Soarin’ it’s highly praised here.