Welcome back to Not Club 33, your new home for the Disney Cynic!
For those of us Disney World fans outside the Orlando area, we often experience withdrawal symptoms when we haven’t injected ourselves with pure Dole Whip in a while. Yes, that’s right, I’m making a drug joke using a family theme park as a metaphor. What of it? To help us get through those withdrawals, many of us turn to the internet to get our fix. I am no less guilty than the rest of you. Instead of diving into the message board, I’m trying to create the content and commentary. Occasionally the news is so plentiful that it warrants a dedicated article full of pithy commentary, and today is the debut of such on this site! Let’s get caught up on the news, shall we?
Summer Is Coming
Holy shit it’s been hot. Atlanta has been under siege by the sun since last week and it shows little sign of stopping. On a professional level, this is fantastic. My business is certainly weather driven; and the hotter it gets, the faster people make decisions. This past weekend, my cousin was down in Orlando on vacation and exclusively reported to this Cynic that it felt hot. Over Memorial Day, my wife traveled with her mom to Savannah and reported similar feelings. I locked myself inside, closed the drapes, cranked up the A/C and out of boredom started watching Game of Thrones. I both like it and hate it, but I’ve invested enough time in it to warrant finishing it off. I’m sure I’ll make timely references to it now that I know what people have been talking about for the past 8 years.
Click the link above to see these things in full operation. I’m torn on the existence of this transportation option. Not-Sober Cynic likes that there will be another way of getting around while on vacation. Sober Libertarian Cynic doesn’t like this one bit. I hate the idea of riding in boxes that aren’t air conditioned and suspended by metal wires in the lightning capital of the US.
I’m prone to despise all forms of public transportation as a general rule because of my political leanings, but technically there’s not a real government entity responsible for this. It’s really more of a Muppet government. And THAT joke is the reason I wrote this whole thing.
My version of hell has finally opened in Anaheim. Certainly I’m not the most optimistic person when it comes to Galaxy’s Edge at Disney World, but even from the personal account of noted Magic Killer Craig Williams at The Dis (link above), the Disneyland version exceeds expectations. Since mine are So-Lo (see what I did there?), perhaps this won’t be as awful as I think.
I remain concerned that there will be such an influx of people in the Orlando version that it will ruin it. Most major population centers of the US are on the east coast. Since both versions are purported clones of each other, it’s more likely that the masses will make the Imperial march to Florida. Galaxy’s Edge indeed may not flop, but it will piss me off nonetheless.
Am I really that odd? Because I just can’t even with you Star Wars people. For a moment, I’m going to remove that it’s Star Wars from this equation. I have a personal philosophy that costumes of any kind should be restricted to Halloween parties and occasionally the bedroom for adults. Kids under 10 I’m ok with to an extent. When I do finally produce a demon spawn, I plan on mercilessly mocking them as they approach double digits in age for dressing up.
It’s not a Star Trek vs. Star Wars thing either. I would roll my eyes just as hard at some dude dressed up as Spock. This extends not just to sci-fi franchises, but sports as well. Stop wearing jerseys to game. It’s not like the coach is going to point to you in the stands and put you in the game because you’re wearing your customized jersey.
That Disney feels the need to have a policy about adults wearing costumes is so frustrating that I want to punch something. Possibly someone. On a practical level, it’s 80 + degrees in Florida unless it’s January, and there’s no reason to subject yourself to that kind of discomfort. On a Cynical level, do you have to dress up like a Stormtrooper? The answer is a definitive “NO!!!”. If you have desires to dress up, join the 501st and do it for charity at least. The fact that you can’t be an adult and just wear a tee shirt is disturbing to me.
I’m sure part of this is jealousy. If I was forced to dress up, the only characters I could realistically pull off are Porkins (a fat pilot from the first movie who somehow squeezed into the cockpit and because of his size crashed into the Death Star) or Pizza the Hut. Maybe Mog….he’s half human and half dog, and like me, he’s his own best friend. Ultimately though, Disney is never going to be ok with you dressing up like one of their characters and potentially confusing a guest. There’s a reason why they crack down on street “performers” (aka con artists) outside the parks, and if you think they’re going to be ok with you doing it on their property, you’re crazier than I thought.
Far be it from be to ever suggest you fork around, but apparently Disney is allowing just that after debuting their new “hit” character from the soon to be released Toy Story 4. If this isn’t the biggest “f^(k you” from Disney, I don’t know what more it could be. From a non-Cynical perspective, I’m sure you’re all eating up that not every family can afford toys and that creating your own toy is adorably affordable. If it stopped there, I would let this go.
Instead, they’ve taken the concept of a cheap toy made of a plastic/disposable fork and made 17 different versions of it to sell. None of those versions are actual plastic forks. Those will kill turtles or something. No, instead of actually making your own crafted toy at home, you’ll be forced to buy the official Disney licensed version for $29.95 plus tax.
I am someone who worships at the alter of capitalism. I believe in the invisible hand and the free market. If you don’t believe in the invisible hand, just look how Twitter affects how companies do business. If you try to make a complaint on the phone, you get nothing; tweet it and you’ll get a lifetime supply of free stuff. That said, anything in the wrong hands can be used for evil. Selling children (and therefore their parents) Forky is inherently evil. I would be ok with selling a “Forky Kit” that you can bring home and apply to your own polymer utensils. I am not ok with the plush or Vinylmation version. Disney is literally saying “f^(k you, you’ll buy anything and we know it”. Please prove them wrong.
Thanks for making it through to the end of my rantings about the news! Next time I have plans to review a resort that I’ve stayed at once, and it was a decade ago. That said, I stopped by it on one of my last trips, and truth be told nothing changed, so I feel comfortable in giving it the Cynical treatment. Until next time!
-The Disney Cynic
“I’m all beers!”