Welcome back to Not Club 33, your new home for the Disney Cynic!

The week I’m actually coming to your phones from Orlando! Yes, for all of my bitching about this place, here I am putting my money back into the system. This Disney experience could not have been better for me, which is to say I enjoyed myself but also came away with a lot to complain about and several observations that no one would ever make.

This will be the first article in a series of recaps. Because I tend to be long winded, I’ll try to keep this all topic centric instead of going by chronology. Today’s topic is Disney Springs!

I’ve stated before in a previous article that I’m not paying for parking unless I have to. There’s two ways to theoretically accomplish this, one of them is Disney Springs and hopping on a bus to one of the resorts to transfer. If you’re going to use this method, try to park in the Orange or Lime lots, as these are the two closest to the bus station and the majority of new shops. Also, at peak times, don’t be stupid. Get yourself a magic band so no one asks questions. You probably have 12 of them laying around, but if you don’t their available for $14.99, $10 cheaper than a parking pass. Be aware of this too, you’re not going to make rope drop. If you’re cool with that, it’s a great option to save a couple bucks.

Once we arrived and made our way down to the Town Center area, I was almost immediately confronted with a “the hell is that for?” moments. There’s some nonsense you crank in the middle of the outdoor mall area. It doesn’t do shit. It just twists. I know that Disney likes to add these little details and make things as interactive as possible. I’d be more ok with this if it was fun, or made a damn bit of sense, but this machine was neither. It basically demonstrated the physics of a screw, but why would Disney Imagineers try to teach us high school physics while on vacation?

After shaking my head and losing a little hope that we’ve evolved much further than a chimpanzee, we did a little shopping. That is to say my wife did a little shopping. Unfortunately a man of my stature is unable to have a shopping experience unless it’s online or at a store specifically catering to fat people. There are no tee shirts in my size available. I mean, I couldn’t even get a pair of boat shoes at the Sperry store, and my shoes are the size of boats.

The only thing I could have purchased for myself was a hat. Even that selection was slim, as I just couldn’t find one that fit my sense of style. If you’re like me and not the smallest among us, you better come prepared or you’re screwed…kinda like that crank thing from earlier. Also, I hope Disney takes note of this. They’re missing out on a lot of money with no big and tall attire for sale.

There’s a fancy new ticket center at Disney Springs, located just steps away from guest relations. I know this because we weren’t able to actually get my wife Amanda’s ticket from this fancy new center and that’s where they sent us. Apparently it will work for everyone but travel agents. It’s nice to be able to deal with tickets in person and without the adrenaline of the parks giving you a hair trigger attitude. My parents have often said they’ll arrive before they intend to go to the parks and go to Disney Springs for dinner. If you’re like them, it’s a great option to work out the kinks of the tickets to prevent a meltdown.

While this ended my Disney Springs experience for this trip, it does not end the sum of my thoughts. For those staying on property, it’s a hassle to get to the parks from here without going back to the resort to transfer to a bus. I guess a helpful suggestion would be to have a set of park busses on site, but only for those with magic bands. Hell, if that thing can tell cast members all sorts of random shit about me, it should be able to distinguish if you’re a resort guest or not, since they’re trying to prevent people (admittedly like me) from skipping out on parking fees. *Editor’s Note: for now the cheapest way to deal with this would be to walk next door to Saratoga Springs and get a park bus from there. The easiest way as usual is rideshare*

Tomorrow I’ll cover some construction updates I witnessed personally, and I will dedicate an unreasonable amount of words to ranting on a subject that, until this very trip, I had no idea how much it affected me and our environment! Until tomorrow!

-The Disney Cynic

“I’m all beers!”