Rides, The Disney Cynic, Uncategorized, Walt Disney World

A Cynical Trip: Attraction Highlights

Welcome back to Not Club 33, your new home of the Disney Cynic!

Today I continue my series of articles on my latest trip to Walt Disney World. We’re going to focus on attractions for this post, as we did get to experience attractions for the first time, as well as revisit a few old mainstays and say goodbye to a show that I can’t remember being without. I’ll break this down by park to make it a little easier, and in the interest of being upfront, we avoided Magic Kingdom like the plague. It was the 4th of July weekend, and based on the wait times, I can only guess that locals brought their guests there to get them the hell out of the house, wait times and capacity be damned.


Epcot was shockingly not crowded for the time of year. Maybe we just got lucky, but we had no problems getting on attractions or getting fast passes. We got tickets the day of, and were able to get Soarin’ and Spaceship Earth. Mission:Space, much to my delight, doesn’t need one, and neither do any other ones in Future World aside from Test Track. Had weather and dinner not interfered we might have been able to ride the whole park in a day. As seasoned vets, we don’t have to adhere to the Stacey model of Disney vacations.

Mission:Space and its reboot really confounds me. I must have ridden that attraction the most of anyone since it opened. It’s nothing against Gina Torres, who I’ve enjoyed as an actress in shows like 24 and Suits, but what’s the point of replacing Lt. Dan if it’s just going to be the exact same preshow? I’m sure the Green version that was updated has something completely different, and that’s all well and good, but if this is just an SJW thing, it’s annoying. The ride is still awesome, and it still makes me giggle like a school girl every time. I’ll adapt to the lack of Lt. Dan, but I do hope this means he’s been promoted to Commander.

After dinner we first rode Spaceship Earth, which did not seem to have the volume turned up loud enough because I couldn’t hear ‘M‘ talk about the Phoenicians. Also, who is cropping the pictures for the “Choose Your Future” thing? Both my wife and I were missing chunks of face. No picture for this, as I did not take a picture while on the ride and had a stomach issue crop up immediately after getting off the ride. If only I could blame booze, I would.

What does one do after getting sick at Epcot? Well, obviously ride Soarin’, that’s what. Our seats were in Section A, which means we saw the warping effect of not being dead center. In the queue, I noticed they were playing the theme to Apollo 13. First off, GREAT movie. Second, maybe don’t play music that reminds me that shit goes horribly awry and it takes a miracle to get people home alive.

Finally, the wife and I said goodbye to Illuminations. If you haven’t seen it already, I highly recommend checking out the Facebook Live we did that captures it in all its glory, plus has plucky commentary by me and my wife. I’m looking forward to seeing what Disney comes up with to fill the void. Here’s to hoping you can actually see any TV screen they may float into the middle of that lake.

Hollywood Studios

Like Epcot, the crowds weren’t insanely packed. There’s still only 6 rides at the park, and we found out that Tower of Terror was only operating at half capacity due to maintenance, so wait times were a little artificially inflated. We still got a lot in. We skipped Tower of Terror, because it’s wait time was always close to two hours, but we hit everything else we really wanted to.

We started our day like the rest of the crowd, hopping on Slinky Dog Dash. Despite being there at basically rope drop, we still had an hour plus wait time. This was really a fast pass created wait time though. I believe the policy is 100 fast passes for every 10 standby, and it showed. The ride itself was fun, much more thrilling than the likes of The Barnstormer. It’s certainly worth checking out and it’ll probably be added to the checklist in the future alongside Rockin Roller Coaster and Tower of Terror, but not until people chill a little more.

Speaking of chill, the entire Echo Lake area was dead. Star Tours had a 10 minute wait. I thought everyone was going bonkers for everything Star Wars? No? Our tour of the Stars was locked on the two newest movie scenes, and of course we landed at Batuu, the fictional setting of Galaxy’s Edge. It dawned on me during the ride that, try as I might, I can’t get Peter Griffin from Family Guy singing the music out of my head when I hear it. As I too am an overweight buffoon, I won’t lie to you, I did the same thing and in his voice.

After our near death experience at the hands of robots (Asimov’s three laws my ass…imov), we made the short trek over to Muppet Vision 3-D. The practical effects were not in sync with the film, and boy does this theater need a facelift, but damn it I love this attraction. I literally get giddy from Sam Eagle’s safety spiel. It’s the last performance of Jim Henson, and it should be kept as a legacy. Go see the Muppets before Disney makes a terrible mistake.

Finally, we decided to hop on Rockin Roller Coaster. Fun fact, your magic band will randomly let people know your name and where you’re from when you’re in the standby line. This also was where I got brave with my phone and did a Facebook Live while on an attraction for the first time. Since I’m actually writing this on the same phone, it clearly worked out. Go check that out too.

Tomorrow I’m going to finish off the attractions we hit on our trip, and I’m going to address something that happened to my wife while on Rockin Roller Coaster. It’s something that concerns us all, and it’s totally incumbent upon us as Disney nut jobs to help police. At this point, if Disney won’t address it, we should. Until next time!

-The Disney Cynic

“I’m all beers!”

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