Welcome back to Not Club 33, your new home of the Disney Cynic!

The #DisTwitter community was up in arms and potentially legs a few days ago over an anonymous Facebook mother who went on a bat-shit crazy rant about “childless couples” at the parks and how they ruined her vacation. This was brought to our attention by Twitter user @JenKatWrites, and it caught enough attention that several news agencies picked it up to spread like crabs through a frat house…but in cyberspace.

As someone who is part of a Disney World going childless couple, and a fan of the internet’s creative uses of grammar, spelling, punctuation and syntax, I was absolutely fascinated by this woman’s diatribe. Before I have a lot of fun with this whole thing, allow me to address the core of her complaint.

Essentially this woman is of the belief that she should both be allowed to ban anyone without a child from Disney Parks and her fertility should negate the need to wait in line. Tough shit. Disney Parks aren’t just for families, they’re for anyone who is fiscally solvent enough to afford a couple hundred bucks on tickets. Also, your marital or parental status should not afford you rights over others, especially skipping the line for Splash Mountain. I think 98% of people can get on board with at least that. There are, however, some things about this post which I have some questions about:

• Are you guys without kids buying shit that was made for children?
  • I don’t have kids, and I am boycotting anything to do with Forky, so I have no idea if this is a thing or not. Personally, I haven’t purchased a toy in at least two decades, so I hope this woman takes some solace in that
• Have you guys ever seen a snack cart run out of shit?
  • I have never seen this happen. Hell, it takes an act of god to get me to spend all of the snack credits when on a dining plan. The closest I’ve come to encountering this is one time a beer cart ran out of a specific beer, but I was redirected 50 feet down the way if I really wanted that beer.
• What snack cart was this woman going to that there was a line more than two people long?
  • Look, it’s anecdotal, but in July when I went, I think I had to deal with a total of four other people who wanted something at a cart at the same time as I did. Unless you’re literally going to the first cart on Main Street and you’ve literally not eaten anything in days, this isn’t an actual issue.
• What is this woman doing buying a pretzel instead of a Mickey bar?
  • Not to put too fine a point on this, but really? A pretzel? How are you not at least getting your kid an ice cream? Yeah, I know there’s lactose intolerance, but the way this woman went off, you know damn well she’s letting EVERYONE know about her child’s dietary restrictions in that same rant. She’s the person who would use that as a weapon to demonize the “c***” in the “slutty shorts” even more.
• Is she planning on shielding her kid from all potential forms of disappointment?
  • I’m not trying to be a dick, but I don’t give my dog everything that he wants. From everything I’ve been told, children really seem to just be dogs who eventually start talking back to you. If their emotional well being hinges on a pretzel, both you and your kid need some perspective
• Has this woman never heard of Fast Pass?
  • I’m still not necessarily trying to be a dick, but there’s not a ton of rides that a three year old can get on that have a long wait. Peter Pan certainly does, but that’s why there is a Fast Pass. I haven’t waited more than an hour in line in years. Most of the attractions that a three year old can ride have the easiest Fast Passes to get. Like, literally the same day. Hell, if I can get E-Ticket ones the same day, she should have no problem getting ones for Aladdin’s Magic Carpets.
• Did the “C***” in the “Slutty Shorts” have a boyfriend or other paramour?
  • I’m not asking for me; I’m a happily married man. But I’m pretty sure between my wife and I we could find a couple of people who would be interested in a Disney World-going lady who also likes to dress slutty. Did she at least catch the “C***s” name? I’m guessing it has an “i” where a “y” is the generally accepted at the end of the name…like Tiffani.
• Is it possible the “C***” in the “Slutty Shorts” was just dressed for Florida?
  • Florida is a different state of being . This is why I encourage you to bust the Disney bubble a little and peak your head around I-4. Clothes that Canadians like Not Club 33 contributor Becky has a closet full of are completely inappropriate for Florida. You can’t wear a fur coat in Orlando. I’ve had to make the run to the store to pick up some shorts, and it’s possible that she did not have the option to get some not “Slutty” ones.
• Without disclosing this woman’s name, is there anyway we can find out in what school district she was educated?
  • I’m just so thoroughly disappointed in her spelling, grammar, etc., that I want to make sure my potential future child has no chance of being taught by the same teacher. I’m not sure I’m comfortable sharing a time zone with that school district, let alone state or local municipality.
• Did anyone else notice that the date on this post that was screen capped was from September and doesn’t have a year on it?
  • OMG is it possible that this woman went over Labor Day weekend, one of the busiest times of the year? Or is possible that this whole thing is fake and we’ve all been had?

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

Holy shit, it is possible that this whole thing is fake and we’re all making Jen Kat famous and go viral. I sincerely hope that’s the case, if not for humanity’s sake then for comedy’s. That said, I’ve been on Facebook. I know it’s a cesspool of embittered and entitled ranting. I tend to believe that it’s real and it’s spectacular. I’m just disappointed I couldn’t have this rant available to me 11 months ago to riff on.

In some ways, she’s not wrong. Disney clearly does care more about the young adult dollar than they do the family dollar. There’s a reason why so much has gone into Galaxy’s Edge, but Toy Story Land gave us Alien Swirling Saucers. It’s called economics. I have far more disposable income than a toddler. It will, thankfully, continue that way until and unless child labor laws are re-evaluated, and I don’t think we want that. I like that I’m being catered to as a customer. And I like that all those people are going to be on a ride that my toddler can’t go on when I have one.

Ultimately, don’t take this shit too seriously. I clearly did, and yes I enjoyed spending time on Slutty Shorts, but people like this shouldn’t be glorified. If that was the case I’d be bigger than Lou Mongello….

-The Disney Cynic

“I’m all beers!”