Welcome back to Not Club 33, your home of the Disney Cynic!

Along with the Skyliner wreck that made headlines recently, there has been a lot of interesting news recently regarding the workforce and leadership of Disney Parks. There’s been shuffling of executives from one park or property to the other, promotions that aren’t really promotions, and letting go of in-park entertainers. I wish I could sit and read through all of this news so I could speculate a little less wildly about what is actually going on. Instead, I’ve been trying to make my own money lately, and while I’d love to get paid for this full time, I don’t think “being an asshole on the internet about Disney World” is an actual profession. That said, if someone does have an opening for that position, please feel free to contact me and I’ll be glad to apply.

So instead of trying to read between the lines, today I’m going to debut a new feature – Random Observations! Basically it’s where I point out some of the random shit that I notice while on a Walt Disney World vacation. It’s probably stuff you’ve also noticed, but never gave it much thought. I, on the other hand, obsess about this stuff and it causes me to lose sleep. The Disney Company and its parks are famous, or infamous, for getting stuck in the minutiae of details. So today I’m going to sink into that minutiae as if it were quicksand, and try to have some fun along the way! Feel free to let me know which ones I’ve missed in the comments!

Why is Cinderella’s Castle grey during the day but purple at night?

Yes, the obvious answer is black-lights. Duh. Let’s talk about it from an immersive standpoint though. Are there any known castles in Europe or elsewhere that are purple regardless of the time of day? Not unless you’ve been to Gelgamack 7 in the Zeta Reticuli cluster or somewhere in the shitty part of town. From a visual standpoint, I love it. It looks cool as hell, but from a theming perspective it doesn’t make a damn bit of sense.

Why are there no hidden Donald’s?

There are books, websites, podcasts, and apps all dedicated to finding the ever changing, elusive hidden Mickey’s at the parks. As someone who recently invested in glue traps for underneath the sink, I can assure you that mice are just as elusive outside the parks. Why, though, are there no hidden Donald’s or any other Fab 5 character for that matter? Donald, specifically, is arguably just as famous as Mickey. Yet he has to get a second job as the University of Oregon mascot. Give that cranky SOB his due and hide his profile somewhere. My vote goes to Micky & Minnie’s Runaway Railway.

How did Disney get away with no theming at two of its newest resorts?

Bay Lake Tower is, and the upcoming Riviera Resort will undoubtedly be, full of comfortable rooms with great views of bodies of water. That said, their theming sucks. When I stayed there, Bay Lake Tower just felt like a Yuppie condo complex that would make Frasier comfortable if his Sitcom was on ABC instead of NBC. The Riviera Resort seems like it’s a mishmash of a word no one really knows the definition of and a Downtown Hilton. Disney is totally going to the extreme when the Star Wars hotel opens, but in the meantime I would rather them spend a little less time nerding out and a little more time in adding a restaurant at Bay Lake. It’s not these resorts are or will be uncomfortable, it’s just not The Beach Club…

Considering my last one, why did Imagineering go so far as to write a novel about the history of Copper Creek?

Often what I choose to embrace in life is the middle. Politically I’m pretty centrist, I don’t buy the highest or lowest price version of an iPhone, I prefer a solid domestic SUV over both a junk car and high end luxury vehicle. You get the picture. When there’s two resorts with no obvious theme, why did they take time to rip off tales of Davy Crockett, Sacagawea and Yellowstone to give a backstory to Copper Creek? I just don’t get the allocation of effort in one place, but the “just go with it” nature of these others.

The Parking Decks at Disney Springs are how all parking decks should work everywhere…

Parking at Disney Springs is a breeze, because their decks tell you where the damn parking spot is. You can only go one way up the ramp and one way down the ramp, funneling traffic perfectly. Having had some shitty experiences trying to find a parking spot recently, I sincerely hope city planners, especially ones who work on stadiums, beg Disney to share their designs.

Why does breakfast suck so bad at Disney World?

With all of the emphasis that Disney seems to put on dining experiences, why can’t they do breakfast with any quality? Seriously, the scrambled eggs are always terrible, the bacon is always paper thin, the biscuits are always stale and room temperature, and the sausage tastes like cafeteria food or what vegans think sausage tastes like. Why can’t an “executive chef” go to a Waffle House and figure out how to make it profitable for Disney? I’d gladly shell out the prices they charge if I was getting my hangover fix in the morning. *Editor’s Note: try Tusker House for a great character breakfast, bacon will still be paper thin but the food is overall very good*

How are there no mice, rats, or other vermin besides birds visible within the parks?

I listen to a particular sports radio show on ESPN that prides itself on rarely talking sports. On one of their recent shows, they discussed a rumor in which Disney releases cats into the parks, or possibly the utilidors, to rid itself of any rodents that aren’t human sized. Then to corral the cats, Disney releases the hounds to heard the cats back into a staging area. I sincerely hope this is true, and that they call them the Aristo-Cats.

When is the next original attraction going to come to WDW?

By original attraction, I mean completely original: no intellectual property as the baseline, not taking a ride concept from one park and slapping a different coat of paint on it like Indiana Jones in Disneyland to Dinosaur at Animal Kingdom. Many “normal” WDW Fans are obsessed with the Peoplemover and Carousel of Progress, and bemoan the loss of Horizons as a step in the wrong direction. I’m not in that camp, but I’m sympathetic to their pathetic. I don’t have this deep desire to live out a movie, especially an animated one. The entire slate of attractions soon to be release is chock-full of IP, and I think the one that pisses me off the most is a talking water attraction based on Moana.

Why is there not a handful of actual hotel rooms at Tower of Terror for people to stay in?

Yeah, the screaming and the projection show might be a little much at 10:00 PM, but you could put the windows on the other side. I would think that there would be SOMETHING though, especially for A-List celebrities like that Castle Suite in Magic Kingdom. I’m not saying I’d pay the likely $20,000 per night price tag, but I would definitely consider it over the likes of that Star Wars thing.

What other random observations about your trips do you have? Sound off in the comments section, or you can tweet us @Not_Club33 and @CynicalDisney! Until next time!

-The Disney Cynic

“I’m all beers!”