Welcome back to Not Club 33, the home of the Disney Cynic!
For the past few weeks I’ve been completely inundated with my real job, and that of course has meant less time behind the keyboard making shitty jokes. It’s been a big year for the Cynic family all around, that included the merger with this wonderful site, an actual move to a new physical home, two trips to Orlando in two months, and a good bit more financial security than I have ever known personally.
All of that is to brag, and I truly mean it. I’m proud of my accomplishments and don’t care if that makes you feel worse about yours. That said, believe it or not, I hope that your 2019 brought you as much success and happiness as mine has!
Since I’m finally being forced to burn off my remaining vacation days and could probably use a creative outlet, indulge me if you will. Because today I’d like to try my hand at writing a Christmas-like fable, but one that speaks to me and my sensibilities and is all about the Disney vacation experience. So grab yourself some eggnog, mix it strongly with bourbon, and gather the family who’s heard the language you use when you stub your toe around the tree. Consider this nonsense a gift to you…from all of us at Not Club 33! *editor’s note – don’t grab eggnog – that shit is gross*
‘Twas the night before Disney and all through night, both parents were packing and trying not to fight. For months they had been planning perfect family trip, a grueling task that the father wished they could have skipped. The kids were tucked in, unaware of the happenings, as mom and dad both gathered all their Disney belongings. Soon enough the sun would rise, the children would awaken; and the kids would find out the big surprise as dad finished off the bacon. Now the sunlight shone bright, in the sky no other stars; and the children soon discovered Dad loading up the car. A surprise was on the table, custom tee shirts from the Mom; this brought out excitement in both little Jack and the older Tom.
The kids were so excited, in fact they went batshit crazy. This at least gave a smile to Dad, who full of fatigue was hazy. For today was the family’s annual trip to the Parks. It cost their father a kidney, as he was no Tony Stark. The joy on a child’s face as they learned they were to see Mickey, made all of this worth it, that and their mom giving him a hickey. They departed at 9:00, in their trusty Ford Explorer. Thank god they were driving down, lest the TSA think them to be hoarders. Their journey started in happiness and joy, but that didn’t last long. The kids began to argue, making Dad wish he’d brought his bong.
As their trek to Florida continued, they stopped at the rest stop to get a Sun Pass. And as they approached Gainesville, the family was greeted by a billboard full of ass. “We Bare All” was the slogan, leading the kids to have some inquiries. Uncomfortably Mom changed the subject before the father could confirm their theories. At long last they approached Orlando, after paying all the tolls. Dad could soon tell they were on Disney property, as the road suddenly was free of potholes. The kids saw the purple and red sign, answering the question of “are we there yet?”. Their father suddenly shivered as the passed Disney Springs, knowing Mom would run up the debt.
After encountering construction on the roads that led to their resort, the father suddenly became thankful that they chose not to pitch a tent at the wildernesses fort. Instead the family splurged a little and rented points from DVC. They were staying at a deluxe hotel, with fancy toiletries made of weed from the sea. They arrived at the Beach Club, Dad went to check in and suddenly clattered. Mom rolled her eyes and told the kids to stay put so she could see what was the matter. The father had requested a room that overlooked the pool, but the cast member didn’t know that, causing the Dad to want to duel. The room request was finally fulfilled after speaking with a manager, and the father was tired of driving everywhere, wanting desperately to be a passenger.
Finally, their parents returned. Dad had frustrations on his face. But now it’s was time for Epcot; they would ride Mission: Space. Through the international gateway they entered, watching the skyliner arrive. The idea of getting stuck in that thing made Mom break out in hives. She was the nut job of the family, constantly getting updates from The Dis Boards. Dad too wasn’t a fan of them, but only because he wanted to avoid crowds by the hoards.
Finally, an entrance to a park! The cast member scanned their bands of magic. But little Jack’s wouldn’t scan right, causing Mom to have another panic. Finally the mouse’s outline went from spinning white to solid green. Of course there were the same issues with Tom’s, himself not yet a teen. As it turns out, the magic bands, though cool, aren’t technologically perfect. This didn’t stop the mom from thinking she’d been hit by Vontaze Burfict. The cast members worked hastily to correct the technical issues, and finally they let the kids in without the need for tissues. Walking into Epcot and turning left for Future World, they got on the space themed ride with little wait, but afterwards Jack hurled. “It’s ok little buddy” the father said somewhat annoyed. For Mission: Space was the father’s favorite attraction, but now one they’d have to avoid.
The family paused for a few moments, allowing the youngest to get his bearings. They made their way over to see Donald, with face expressionless and staring. Jack’s favorite Disney character was the cantankerous angry duck, but the father found the mascot version of him a creepy little fuck. With Jack now all recovered from his spin induced vomiting, the family pressed on with no time for any more tottering. On the rides of Nemo, Figment, Test Track and Spaceship Earth our family gleefully road. And finally the sun did set, where our family watched a show of drones. They dined at Rose & Crown at 8:00, thanks to six month ADR’s. But the family knew the it was time for rest after spending half the day in the car.
Dad flipped on the TV, and upon it came the Must Do’s with Stacey. Mom wondered silently to herself if their ADR’s and fast passes were much too hasty. For she had been the one who spent months planning all their feasts, but while watching the loop of Must Do’s she felt a need to dine at the castle of the Beast. The children finally went to rest, visions of Star Wars in their heads. They weren’t alone, but seeing that area of the park was causing Dad some existential dread. The thought was soon lost as he entered into a slumber, which unfortunately didn’t last too long as he was awoken at 5:00 by the mother.
This pattern would follow for the family no matter what throughout the week. Like marines, their schedule was regimented, especially when and where they’d eat. After days of wandering through the parks which bared Walt’s name, the father and the children grew tired of Mom’s scheduled fun and games. But Mom’s herding, fast passes and group boarding for Rise of the Resistance, helped our intrepid family cover quite an impressive distance.
After days, like all good things, the family’s vacation neared its end. Not soon enough for the father, whose back was on the mend. But as check out was complete, the family’s sadness was temporarily dodged, as the father surprised them all with one more night at Animal Kingdom Lodge. The family rushed over to check out their new resort digs, and watched as African creatures enjoyed a meal of leafy twigs. They wandered the resort grounds, hung out on the balcony for about an hour. But ADD kicked in for the kids, and their mood quickly grew sour. Their 7-day park hopper passes were all but set to expire, so the father let each family member get one last ride in, whatever they desired.
Thoroughly exhausted after a week of Florida heat, the kids went to sleep early, finally admitting defeat. The parents left the kids alone, and went to the bar to enjoy themselves a drink. Mom a wine and Dad a scotch, a toast, their glasses they did clink. They switch their roles from mom and dad to that of each other’s spouses, and now the wife couldn’t help herself and suddenly espouses: “I wonder, after all the money spent on this if we’ll ever come back” while her husband ordered a beer. The husband pondered the stress and cost before muttering “who are we kidding? Probably next year”…
Merry Christmas and happy holidays to you all!!!