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Official Statement Concerning COVID-19

We at notclub33.com understand that you may be concerned about the COVID19 virus and it’s effects on your ability to read Disney World content on your phone while you’re pooping and scrolling through Twitter.

We would like to assure you that, although staff member Disney Cynic / Bobby had the flu last week, he has been cleared by the CDC (located in his hometown of Atlanta) of the COVID19 virus. Also, he doesn’t know any of you personally, and is by nature kind of a hermit. Chances are that if you actually meet him in person, it’s more than likely a clone or “Mirror Universe” version. That version is probably a better person overall than the real one is, so best to just let it go. Perhaps he’s on the way to take the place of the real one and maybe this place will start being a nicer place to work.

I know style bruh…

We’d also like to assure you that the vast majority of content on notclub33.com is written and posted using Apple products. It’s our understanding that those products are immune to viruses. Unless and until Tim Cook, CEO of Apple releases a statement saying the iPhone, iPad and MacBook are susceptible to COVID19, we’re confident that even if a staff member of the site becomes infected we cannot pass this virus to you digitally. 

Also, since you’re probably still using the bathroom, please do not panic regarding the toilet paper shortage currently being experienced because people with Costco cards have literally bought every roll. We at notclub33.com suggest, nay, recommend that you try to adjust your schedule to coincide with a shower, keep a role of Brawny in the bathroom, or just print off articles written for WDWNT.com and use that since that’s probably all they’re good for anyway.

We feel for the true victim of this health crisis, which of course is Bob Chapeck. Since everyone always offers “thoughts and prayers” on Facebook during times of national tragedy, we would like to offer ours to Bob, because holy shit what a hell of a way to start off being a CEO?!?! I mean, a $60 dip in stock prices in less than a month and now you basically have to shut all of Disney and ESPN down except for Disney+? Fuck, man, I can’t even imagine having to try to comeback from that. Like, if I’m him, I’m seriously considering taking retirement and letting someone else deal with this. Beforehand, can we get some new shit on Disney+ though? Because we’re all about to run out of stuff to watch if not.

The gates of your favorite theme parks are set to reopen on 4/1/2020. We suggest you take this as an April Fool’s Day prank and plan on returning on 4/2/2020. The crowds will probably be pretty lite and you won’t have to deal with being claustrophobic if you start coughing. But definitely make sure you go and go as soon as you can. We don’t want our stock prices to drop that much more, so get out there and make capitalism work for us. Plus, the sooner you get the COVID19 virus, the sooner you can tell people about it on social media in an effort to gain the sympathy of friends, family and that bitch Karen you’re “still friends with but only because you want to make fun of her behind her back”. 

Hopefully by now you’ve finished going to the bathroom, so make sure you wash your hands and use that bottle of hand sanitizer that’s sat under the sink long enough to legally be allowed to drink. Stay safe, and if you’ve even got the sniffles, know that we’re pretty sure it’s legal for us to take you out for “Personal Defense from Biological Weaponry”!

-Sent from my iPad
The Disney Cynic

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