Welcome back to NotClub33, your home of The Disney Cynic!
I need to start this article off by stating on the front end that I fucking hate camping. Seriously. I do not understand the appeal. I have no desire to get in touch with nature. Admittedly, this whole shelter-in-place shit has put a damper on opportunities to go outside, but frankly the most I’ve seen of nature is when I shank a drive off the tee box. Since upgrading to the Cobra F9 I haven’t had to set foot in a tree line, and I’d like to keep it that way.
The last time I tried camping was a dozen years ago. Me and two other buddies went to Unicoi State Park – near the ever kitschy Helen, GA – with a truck load of Miller Lite, a couple of hoodies & jackets, and a some ground beef to cook burgers. I also brought a tent and sleeping bag that hadn’t been used in two years, and after failing to find instructions I spent hours trying to set the tent up to no avail. None of us “outdoorsmen” thought to get fire wood, so we all nearly froze to death in the Georgia mountains. One guy literally went back to his truck and just turned it on so he could sleep.
The next day, I accepted many things about myself. First, I am not a true southerner, and I have been so happy to not even try to be that guy ever since. Second, camping is fucking stupid. Humans have evolved since the time of cave dwellings and such. We need air conditioning, and I’ve made a hell of a career selling it, so I would know. I’m convinced life was more like The Flintstone’s 100,000 years ago than we think it was. Come to the year 2020, and I need a memory foam mattress, an air conditioner that I can set to 69° because it makes me laugh still, and a TV to fall asleep at night like a combination Night Lite / Lullaby, except it’s an episode of Frasier.
So this all will inform my opinion of an incident that occurred recently at Walt Disney World. According to The Fucking New York Times, which is still the paper of record no matter what you think of it, “Richard J. McGuire of Mobile, AL was accused of trespassing on Discovery Island”. This asshole decided that, during a global pandemic, he would go explore this defunct relic of Disney history. He got to the island using a small boat, ignored the warning signs saying it was a restricted area, and just started camping. This, by the way, is while all of the parks and resorts are closed, and basically the only people working are security guards. Upon speaking with Orange Country Sheriff’s deputies, Mr. McGuire said he wasn’t camping, and that he’s an urban explorer with a YouTube channel, and thought this place looked like a “tropical paradise”.
Here’s some background for those who aren’t long-time WDW nut jobs like those of us here. Known first as Treasure Island before a renaming, Discovery Island was a kind of Jurassic Park-like place located on an island in the middle of Bay Lake. For less than $20 – a bargain even in the 90’s – guests could view hundreds of species of birds (including one that went extinct), there was a lemur exhibit, and like all Central Florida tourist destinations, it had an Alligator pool stocked with local finds I’m sure.
When Disney decided to build Animal Kingdom in the mid-1990’s, the need for Discovery Island disappeared overnight. After finally closing to the public in 1999, all remaining animals were sent to the now open Animal Kingdom, and the hub-section of the new park was named in honor of its predecessor. Since its closure, Discovery Island has been abandoned in place and nature has been allowed to take over the island, not unlike Site B in The Lost World: Jurassic Park.
Now that you know my thoughts on camping, the story which sparked this article, and the in-depth Disney shit, I will say this as loud as I possibly can for the people in the back and in Alabama…DO NOT GO CAMPING AT DISCOVERY ISLAND!!!!
Look, best case scenario, you get caught like this redneck idiot did. Worst case scenario? You get eaten by Alligators who haven’t had the discarded trash of hundreds of thousands of visitors to keep them full and away during this time of quarantine. Animals are starting to take shit back from us. Rats in New York are forming gangs to eat each other because restaurants are closed. Sharks are coming closer and closer to the beaches because there’s no people splashing and scaring potential prey away. Coyotes are finally starting to catch roadrunners because Acme explosives aren’t in production and he’s buying his traps on Amazon from a new supplier now.
I seriously think that before Disney opens back up, they’re going to have to go through an extensive “Critter Getter” process. Disney is going to have to subcontract Gator Land to come to Bay Lake and all of these other waterways to rid them of them, along with a bunch of other animals that would naturally be living in a swampy area in Central Florida, and a few meth heads that stumbled their way on property not realizing they’d left the Kissimmee area. That’s probably what happened to this McGuire guy. That or steroids. #90sBaseballJoke
Speaking of juiced up 90’s baseball players, why isn’t Jose Canseco trying to locate Bigfoot in Orlando? If you weren’t aware, he now hosts tours that look for aliens and Bigfoot in the Nevada wilderness as a means for income. If Bigfoot is ever going to come back towards civilization, the time is now since the other animals are taking their territory back while we waste away watching Netflix and Disney Plus.
Also, while we’re at it, obviously there is a significant lack of Disney News these days. It basically breaks down to “shit’s still not open”, so until there’s an actual reopening date announced, I wouldn’t expect a whole lot of new updates from us. So take this time like we at NotClub33 have to rest, focus on the important things in life, and have lit AF group chats where we swap meme’s about Carole Baskin totally killing her husband for three weeks straight.
We wish you all well and hope you and your family have continued good health while the world deals with this crisis. Until next time!
-The Disney Cynic
“Sent from my MacBook to keep your screens virus free”