Magic Kingdom: Attractions Reviewed by Not Club 33
|*all photos featured in this post are credited to Disney*
All attractions were rated based on theming, enjoyment, and intangibles. Intangibles could be anything from simple wow-factor, nostalgia, or whatever else gives it that extra little bit of proverbial pixie dust. Note: an asterisk next to the name indicated that one reviewer didn’t review the ride so the overall score was weighted to arrive at fair average on a ten point scale. With all of that said let’s rate some rides bitches!!
For the TL/DR crowd: Attractions are listed alphabetically and we’ve color coded this shit so you can lazily scroll thru. You’re welcome.
RED (under 3 pts) = Brutal. ORANGE (3-6 pts) = meh.
BLUE (6.01 to 8.00 pts) = Good. GREEN (8.01+ pts) = Hell Yes!
Pat says: Fun video game dark ride, with some 3D technology
Country Bear Jamboree 5.67
Dumbo the Flying Elephant 6.75
Enchanted Tales with Belle 7.67
Steve says: Won’t necessarily seek to do this every trip, but definitely worth doing.
Frontierland Shootin’ Arcade* 3.66
It’s a Small World 8.58
Liberty Belle Riverboat 4.17
Mad Tea Party 2.83
Steve says: I think I’m gonna puke
|Main Street Vehicles roll in style
Main Street Vehicles* 6.84
Steve says: If you arrive early enough you should definitely seek this out, cool nostalgia
Mickey’s PhilharMagic 4.17
Monsters, Inc. Laugh Floor 4.08
Steve says: I don’t hate this, but I definitely don’t like it either
Peter Pan’s Flight 9.00
Pat says: Unique track system that allows you to fly over the streets of London and Neverland
|An iconic scene from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.
Pirates of the Caribbean 9.42
Pat says: Iconic dark ride that takes you through the life of a pirate
Steve says: If you don’t like POTC we can’t be friends.
Prince Charming Regal Carrousel 4.58
Seven Dwarfs Mine Train 8.75
Pat says: Hybrid coaster that incorporates dark ride concepts. Fastpass, or wait 120+ minutes
Space Mountain 9.33
Pat says: The illusion of flying through space, this remains the king of Disney’s indoor coasters. Use Fast pass
Steve says: The best Disney memory I have is riding this with my dad 5 times in a row after hurricane Andrew
Splash Mountain 8.92
Steve says: It’s a Small World meets Tower of Terror. Lull your kids into a sense of safety with fun singing for ten minutes then drop their asses off a cliff. Fun times
Stitch’s Great Escape! 0.50
Pat says: Don’t waste your damn time
Steve says: I’m tired of this mutha fuckin Stitch in this mutha fucking park (In my Sam Jackson voice)
Swiss Family Treehouse 4.00
The Barnstormer featuring the Great Goofini 5.00
Steve says: The ride is fine, a coaster for kids. The name is too damn long though.
The Hall of Presidents 8.00
Pat says: Relax, beat the heat, and take in a presentation from all of the American Presidents
The Magic Carpets of Aladdin 3.17
Steve says: How many times can they remake Dumbo in the same park. At least this has Prince Ali and a spitting camel.
The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh 6.08
Steve says: RIP Mr Toad’s Wild Ride. Pooh is not a terrible replacement but not a great one either.
The Muppets Present…Great Moments in American History* 7.16
Pat says: Take time to enjoy the Muppets telling the story of our country
Tom Sawyer Island* 5.00
Tomorrowland Speedway 3.83
Steve says: This ride is a rite of passage. After you’ve done it, you have the right to pass on by it.
|The moving platform and retro-future ride vehicles of the PeopleMover
Tomorrowland Transit Authority PeopleMover 8.42
Pat says: Relax, beat the heat, and take a tour of TomorrowLand
Steve says: If there was somehow a long line (there isn’t) I’d waste a Fast Pass here if they’d let me.
Under the Sea: Journey of the Little Mermaid 6.50
Steve says: This could have been so much better, but I guess it’s good enough.
Walt Disney World Railroad 7.50
Steve says: I always find an excuse to ride this at least once per trip. No it won’t get you where you’re going any faster but just lie to yourself and hop aboard.
Walt Disney’s Carousel of Progress 8.17
Pat says: A Walt Disney Original
Steve says: Walt oversaw the making of this, but it does need a refresh. I still check it out every time.
|The birds sing words and the flowers croon in the Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room
Walt Disney’s Enchanted Tiki Room 8.00
Pat says: Classic Disney Song with a really fun atmosphere