Disney Parks, Reviews

Magic Kingdom: Attractions Reviewed by Not Club 33

A collaboration by Pat Neistat and Steve Rhodes.

*all photos featured  in this post are credited to Disney*

All attractions were rated based on theming, enjoyment, and intangibles. Intangibles could be anything from simple wow-factor, nostalgia, or whatever else gives it that extra little bit of proverbial pixie dust.  Note: an asterisk next to the name indicated that one reviewer didn’t review the ride so the overall score was weighted to arrive at fair average on a ten point scale.  With all of that said let’s rate some rides bitches!!

For the TL/DR crowd: Attractions are listed alphabetically and we’ve color coded this shit so you can lazily scroll thru. You’re welcome.
RED (under 3 pts) = Brutal. ORANGE (3-6 pts) = meh. 
BLUE (6.01 to 8.00 pts) = Good. GREEN (8.01+ pts) = Hell Yes!

Astro Orbiter 1.83
Pat says: Knockoff Dumbo ride, that I’ve never seen running
Steve says: Unfortunately, I have seen this running and so has my daughter, forced to ride this 

Big Thunder Mountain

Big Thunder Mountain Railroad 8.17

Steve says: rite of passage coaster for Disney World


Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin 5.25

Pat says: Fun video game dark ride, with some 3D technology

Casey Jr. Splash ‘n’ Soak Station* 5.34
Steve says: It’s a well themed splash pad in the middle of Fantasyland, kids love splashpads

Country Bear Jamboree 5.67
Pat says: Delivering corny jokes and good ‘old fashioned’ humor since the beginning 
Steve says: This is fucking stupid, but I get it.

Dumbo the Flying Elephant 6.75
Pat says: Iconic family ride for all
Steve says: the waiting area here is awesome
Enchanted Tales with Belle 7.67
Pat says: Great interactive experience with Belle, fun for all ages
Steve says: Won’t necessarily seek to do this every trip, but definitely worth doing.

Frontierland Shootin’ Arcade* 3.66
Steve Says: I used to beg my dad to give me money to play this, it’s terrible but worth the dollar for old times sake
Haunted Mansion at night

Haunted Mansion 9.17

Pat says: Not so scary dark ride where the grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize

It’s a Small World 8.58
Pat says: Oldie but a goodie, with a classic Disney song 
Steve says: It’s my mom’s favorite ride plus the Mary Blair design, must ride this every visit.

Jungle Cruise 9.00
Pat says: Depending on your skipper, this ride could score higher
Steve says: Tell me where else you’re gonna find the backside of water? I’ll wait.

Liberty Belle Riverboat 4.17

Mad Tea Party 2.83
Steve says: I think I’m gonna puke

Main Street Vehicles roll in style

Main Street Vehicles* 6.84
Steve says: If you arrive early enough you should definitely seek this out, cool nostalgia

Mickey’s PhilharMagic 4.17

Monsters, Inc. Laugh Floor 4.08
Steve says: I don’t hate this, but I definitely don’t like it either

Peter Pan’s Flight 9.00
Pat says: Unique track system that allows you to fly over the streets of London and Neverland

An iconic scene from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

Pirates of the Caribbean 9.42
Pat says: Iconic dark ride that takes you through the life of a pirate
Steve says: If you don’t like POTC we can’t be friends. 

Prince Charming Regal Carrousel 4.58

Seven Dwarfs Mine Train 8.75
Pat says: Hybrid coaster that incorporates dark ride concepts. Fastpass, or wait 120+ minutes

Space Mountain 9.33
Pat says: The illusion of flying through space, this remains the king of Disney’s indoor coasters. Use Fast pass
Steve says: The best Disney memory I have is riding this with my dad 5 times in a row after hurricane Andrew 

Splash Mountain 8.92
Steve says: It’s a Small World meets Tower of Terror. Lull your kids into a sense of safety with fun singing for ten minutes then drop their asses off a cliff. Fun times

Stitch’s Great Escape! 0.50
Pat says: Don’t waste your damn time
Steve says: I’m tired of this mutha fuckin Stitch in this mutha fucking park (In my Sam Jackson voice)

Swiss Family Treehouse 4.00

The Barnstormer featuring the Great Goofini 5.00
Steve says: The ride is fine, a coaster for kids. The name is too damn long though.

The Hall of Presidents 8.00
Pat says: Relax, beat the heat, and take in a presentation from all of the American Presidents 

The Magic Carpets of Aladdin 3.17
Steve says: How many times can they remake Dumbo in the same park. At least this has Prince Ali and a spitting camel. 

The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh 6.08
Steve says: RIP Mr Toad’s Wild Ride. Pooh is not a terrible replacement but not a great one either.

The Muppets Present…Great Moments in American History* 7.16
Pat says: Take time to enjoy the Muppets telling the story of our country

Tom Sawyer Island* 5.00

Tomorrowland Speedway 3.83
Steve says: This ride is a rite of passage. After you’ve done it, you have the right to pass on by it.

The moving platform and retro-future ride vehicles of the PeopleMover

Tomorrowland Transit Authority PeopleMover 8.42
Pat says: Relax, beat the heat, and take a tour of TomorrowLand
Steve says: If there was somehow a long line (there isn’t) I’d waste a Fast Pass here if they’d let me.

Under the Sea: Journey of the Little Mermaid 6.50
Steve says: This could have been so much better, but I guess it’s good enough.

Walt Disney World Railroad 7.50
Steve says: I always find an excuse to ride this at least once per trip. No it won’t get you where you’re going any faster but just lie to yourself and hop aboard. 

Walt Disney’s Carousel of Progress 8.17
Pat says: A Walt Disney Original
Steve says: Walt oversaw the making of this, but it does need a refresh. I still check it out every time.

The birds sing words and the flowers croon in the Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room

Walt Disney’s Enchanted Tiki Room 8.00
Pat says: Classic Disney Song with a really fun atmosphere

Magic Kingdom: Stress-Free 1 Day Plan 

Magic Kingdom Map

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