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The Disney Cynic

COVID-19 Cabin Fever: A Chance to Win The Disney Cynic’s Money…

Quarantines around the country are starting to ease, and thank god. If I had not gotten a haircut when I did, I risked looking like Frasier in the first two seasons of his spin-off. We still don’t have an opening date for any of the theme parks, but one can have hope that soon enough stock prices will rise and I‘ll be a tiny bit richer.

This has truly been the toughest test any of us born after 1980 have faced…unless, you know, you’ve been in the military or work in a physical job or have a master’s degree. I am none of those things, and even though my dog is easily a Top 5 cute dog, I was starting to look at him with annoyed glares over the amount of pets he demanded.

Basically, I’m trying to not take my COVID-19 Cabin Fever out on the dog or my wife, because just look at them. They’re adorable. I am nonetheless bored out of my mind. So to blow off some steam, I’ve come up with as a game for all of us to play. You’ll submit your responses to our Social Media platforms via Direct Message, or you can email your response to CynicalDisneyVideo@Gmail.com.

Oh, and before we get to the actual game part, you did read that correctly in the title: this is a real opportunity to win real money from me. What better way to celebrate the potential return to normalcy than to receive a Disney Gift Card just as the parks begin to consider reopening? There are two possible winners, $25 for the Funniest Submission and $25 for the Most Logical Submission. There is a limit of one submission per Social Media Account / Email address. However, it is theoretically possible for you to win both categories in a single submission.

The judges for this contest are the Not Club 33 staff, but since it’s my money on the line, I’m the tie-breaker. So keep that in mind as you write this up and submit it. If you have any questions about the nonsense that I find funny or logical, go read some of the articles I’ve written on this site. You’re not only playing to me though, so read up elsewhere on here too. Or, hell, just Tweet at us directly if you’re looking for advice. I know I’ll throw you a free idea, and I’d be willing to bet the rest of the team will help you out so you can get my money.

Now, without further adieu, here’s the batshit crazy situation that you’re presented with:

You’re stuck in a quarantined area, and after weeks, you’ve run out of toilet paper, Dorito’s and delicious breakfast foods. You go to the grocery store to obtain said items, but the manager is now sitting in his office like Tony Montaña at the end of Scarface and eating some kind of poultry dish, perhaps a small chicken. Instead of cocaine and cash, he has Bob Evans and Cooler Ranch on his desk. He’s price gouging you, and when you can’t pay $79.99 + tax for Charmin, your smelly ass is promptly thrown out.

As you make your way home, Scrooge McDuck pulls up next to you in his limousine, pardoning himself but nonetheless asking you for Grey Poupon. That same grocer wanted $195.99 + tax for the condiment, and though Scrooge can afford it, he’s in the financial position he’s in by not being stupid with his money. After striking up further conversation, it turns out that Scrooge has also had some “fois gras” issues with that grocer in the past. Angered that the grocer is likely setting sights on a similar indoor swimming pool of gold coins, Scrooge informs you that he is willing to fund an Ocean’s 11 style heist on the grocery store. “Do it in memory of Dewey” he says…

Not wanting Huey or Louie to suffer a similar though delicious fate, you decide to recruit a team of Disney animated characters to assist you in your plans. They too will want revenge al orange for Dewey. Also like you, they’re not willing to go as far as killing the grocer. No, instead you all plan a Robin Hood worthy heist of breakfast foods, snacks and toilet paper, and then you all agree to call the cops on him after you get the necessary supplies for the quarantine. You’ll watch and throw flavored corn chip after flavored corn chip into your mouth while the grocer, who looks a lot like Doc Brown from Back to the Future, is hauled away in handcuffs. Once the cops pull away, you’ll all walk off into the night, hopefully never to speak again…

The question now is…which Disney Animated Characters are you calling to help you pull this heist off and why?

Submissions to this contest may include up to 10 characters. Each character must be an animated character, so no Muppets and no Live Action versions of an animated character. Each person on your team has to have a job in the heist, and you have to explain in a sentence or two what their job is and why you chose them. REMEMBER: There is a comedy category and a logical category. You can go either direction, or try to be both.

Also, keep this in mind. The universe in this question exists in is basically the Who Framed Roger Rabbit universe. This means that cartoon explosions only work in the cartoon part of the universe, but real life explosions come with consequences. It also means that characters with magical powers cease to have them in the real world, so you can’t just call on the Jafar or Maleficent to put a spell on a hapless security guard.

You also can’t use the Genie to grant three wishes, but you can use him to float underneath a door or something. Also, if a character is anthropomorphic, they don’t get to recruit an army of real world versions of themselves. Steamboat Willie can’t recruit other boats, and Mickey Mouse can’t form a rodent army. Any supplies or ridiculous material asks you have are FULLY FUNDED by Scrooge McDuck. So if you need an EMP to cut the power, which I don’t recommend, Scrooge can get it for you. Money is not the obstacle here for the logical among us.

Now that you have the “world building” rules in place, we have one final rule for fairness to all contestants. No one related to us by blood or marriage is eligible for this contest. There’s no danger of me saying my wife is the winner so I don’t have to buy a stamp.

You have until June 1st to send in your submissions. The winner(s) will have their submissions published and receive accolades from us on Social Media! Good luck and may the odds be ever in your favor! Submit your responses to our Social Media platforms via Direct Message, or you can email your response to CynicalDisneyVideo@Gmail.com.

The Disney Cynic

Sent from my iPad to prevent the transmission of viruses

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