Hello, and welcome to the new home of The Disney Cynic!!!
First, I need you to take your shoes off. I just put in new carpet. I know, I know, six months from now I’m not going to really give a shit, but for right now I don’t want to invest in a carpet cleaner. There’s only so much available closet space. Also, use a damn coaster for that beer. We’re not animals.
For those of you who don’t know me well (or at all), I am the Disney Cynic. I like mocking all things Disney as a form of affection, mostly operating in the shadows, specifically in a basement somewhere illuminated only by the dim glow of a monitor and getting heat from burning hate mail. I don’t know how you got my address, especially since it’s so new, but thank you for getting me through the winter.
Also, if you weren’t aware, I’m possibly a crazy person. Not “we should be concerned, maybe even consider an institution” crazy, but crazy in the sense that rarely does anyone look at the world through the same lens I do. Just look at the two Spitting Matches I’ve contributed to this site and you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about. But, since this is the first real update I’m providing to the site, let’s go down a different rabbit hole. Also, why is it a “rabbit hole” and not a “gopher hole” or any other rodent? These are the existential questions that tend to keep me up at night.
Because I’m probably crazy, I often make different, often absurd connections between things that have no earthly connection anywhere but in my head. For instance, this particular topic has been stuck in my head for a couple of weeks now: If an attraction was a movie, what movie would it be? Given the time and the inclination, I could probably come up with an analogous movie for every attraction in Orlando. However, to keep this from becoming a manifesto, I’ll just throw out a couple of Magic Kingdom attractions to prove my point.
Tomorrowland Transit Authority – The Room (with Tommy Wiseau)
Everyone has ridden the TTA, and most people enjoy themselves on it. Let’s look at the concept though, the TTA is a train to no where that’s actually pointless and boring, yet riders seem to get a huge kick out of riding it. It’s a hard requirement by my wife that we ride the TTA before we ride other attractions. Most people haven’t seen The Room, but I can assure you that there is no worst film in cinematic history than that piece of shit movie, and I love it so much. The Room is the “brain child” (in the greatest stretch of the word brain) of Tommy Wiseau, an enigmatic nut job who mysteriously self funded his movie with unverifiable income. The film is ridiculous, nonsensical, and so poorly written, directed and acted that it makes videos I made as a kid with a camcorder look like Citizen Kane. I’m not the only person who feels this way about The Room. Just see 2017’s The Disaster Artist, which in a meta twist stars, is written and directed by James Franco, and you’ll see just how beloved something so terrible can be. So if you have a ridiculous love for the TTA, I would judge you, but I’d ultimately be judging myself, so I’ll let this one go. YOU’RE TEARING ME APART LISA!!!!
It’s A Small World – Monty Python & The Holy Grail
Both Small World and Holy Grail are considered classics of their genre, and both are torture on my ear holes. I know what you’re thinking: “how could you hate Monty Python & The Holy Grail?”. Have you watched that shit since you were in middle school and were forced to read the King Arthur story? It’s not funny. I’m all about absurdist humor, but Monty Python as a comedy troupe never did it for me. It’s probably because I hate the British. Conversely, Small World is an attraction that many consider a “must do”, but I can’t stand. Like Monty Python, it fails to accomplish its mission with me. Monty Python fails to make me laugh, and Small World makes me want to firebomb other countries as opposed to its apparent mission of bringing cultures together. Also, both have music that gets stuck in my head, in theme to the attraction and Brave Sir Robin. There. It’s stuck in your head right now, isn’t it? They’re also both of a time long gone, of artists long since forgotten until trivia night. I also hate them both oh so much, and that’s the real common thread.
Big Thunder Mountain Railroad – Jurassic Park
BTMRR and Jurassic Park are action-filled thrillers that have their slow, building moments to ramp up the adrenaline at their peaks. There’s also a dinosaur on BTMRR which riders pass through. That’s probably the most reasonable comparison I could have made. You don’t come here for the reasonable, so I’ll proceed to the ridiculous. I also find a commonality in the use of sounds to evoke anticipation. The distinct growls of the Raptors and T-Rex in the film, the sound of the chain grinding as it drags your ride vehicle up the hills and through the caves, both make my skin crawl and my spine shiver.
The Jungle Cruise – Predator
I know, I know, how could a family attraction evoke one of the best action movies ever made? As Arnold said, “stick around”. Both The Jungle Cruise and Predator are enjoyed by the masses, but let’s also be frank (or Steve if you’d prefer) and note that neither are actually…good. One is a mishmash of shitty puns and terrible effects, and the other you ride a boat on. Now while I admit that there isn’t a parallel to the former governor of Minnesota chewing a wad of tobacco and calling his compatriots “slack jawed”…well, you know…there is a parallel to the Predator and Trader Sam, as both are prone to cut body parts off for their entertainment and to the smiles of riders/viewers. Dat handshake doe…
See? I’m bat shit crazy. Who else would compare The Jungle Cruise to Predator? Me, and maybe Michael Bay. Praise Jesus he’s not been invited to the Disney vault. But within that crazy I believe is a lot of fun. It’s been said that the jocular form of affection, especially among men, is relentless mockery. That’s absolutely my attitude towards Disney. I make fun of, mock, and point out the logical lapses of Disney because I care and love it.
On a more serious note, I can’t tell you how excited I am to join the Not Club 33 family. I can’t thank Steve and Pat enough for inviting me to be part of the team, but I cannot stress how ungrateful I am towards Becky. She doesn’t even include my name on thank you cards (that’s SUPER inside, so I don’t expect you to get it). If you want to preserve the pristine squeaky clean image of your favorite vacation destination, I totally understand. Pay attention to the rest of this site, because the team here does an amazing job of keeping you informed and up to date. If you want to laugh a little, make sure you come back for my next diatribe. Just remember it’s all in good fun. Who knows what I’ll come up with next…
-The Disney Cynic
“I’m all beers..