Welcome back to Not Club 33, your new home of the Disney Cynic!
Let’s get this out of the way, if you haven’t seen Avengers: Endgame yet, it’s on you. There’s going to be SPOILERS in this review, and you not seeing it by now isn’t my problem.
First, let’s do a general overview. It might not seem like it as you read my review, but I actually enjoyed the movie. It was fun, and unlike most movies today, it delivered emotional impact. For the comic book nerds out there, I’m sure there were a billion easter eggs in the film. I’m the resident Trekkie of the Not Club 33 team (more on that shortly), but I caught some of the references to the actual comic books. On top of that, two of our favorite characters got the closure the actors who portrayed them were looking for. It was a fitting end to this phase of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and time will tell if the franchise will survive the Endgame fall out.
FYI, I’m about to spoil the shit out of the plot.
This movie should’ve started with a Swiffer ad, which to me is just a wasted opportunity for product placement. Instead Directors Joe and Anthony Russo decide that we need yet another reminder that Thanos is a snappy guy. Because we haven’t seen Legolas in a while, we’re treated to Jeremy Renner’s stone face as he loses his family. Kevin Fiege then dedicated half of the three (!) hour run time to the Marvel logo. I swear to god if they made the logo any longer they’d just have to run the credits.
We’re then dropped three weeks post-snap. The Avengers are disassembled, Tony Stark is bored to tears by floating in space with the blue robot chick from Guardians. As Iron Man approaches the need for an Iron Lung, a bright light appears and the newest/oldest team member in Captain Marvel rescues them both. She returns them to the Avengers compound, where characters who weren’t caught in the dryer lint trap have met up to plan their next move. Captain America is shaving, while Thor, Hulk, Black Widow and Rocket all brood until they notice the ruckus of Tony’s return outside.
Now that all earthlings are back on earth, arguments ensue about who feels more guilty about half the population of the universe being Hoover fodder. Meanwhile, Bruce Vilanch does his best Mr. Spock impression and locates Cable on a distant planet he apparently calls The Garden. Our remaining heroes take off for space with Captain Marvel leading the way. Upon arrival, we find out that Grape Ape destroyed the Crown Jewels, and nothing can be done. Gale Hawthorne, in a fit of rage, then decapitates Tinky Winky with his machete “Gust Buster” before the screen faded to black.
This is when I started to gather my things, thinking the movie was over. It’s understandable in my opinion, seeing as how the logo was so long. It turns out there was still a shit ton of the movie left, all taking place 5 years later (the actual runtime of this movie).
Over the years, people have finally accepted the situation. Johnny Storm is helping Mets fans finally admit they’re gay. Lucy is apparently running the world, except for Africa, which is governed by Michone. Captain Marvel butches her look up, Hotel Rowanda is off in Mexico tracking down illegals for Trump, while Rocket and Gas Cloud are just flying around the stars on one of two available space ships left for humanity to use. Thor is off in Norway getting drunk with a rock, and Lou Ferigno is taking selfies with kids. Iron Man and Black Pepper get married and have a daughter. Everyone know where everyone is? Good.
Wait…where the fuck is Ant Man?!?!?!
Well, the key to the entire franchise is stuck in the quantum leap. Thanks to Mickey Mouse he’s released into the custody of the naked Asian guy from The Hangover, who gives him one of those shitty wagon carts from Home Depot with a bunch of boxes so he can wander the streets of San Francisco like the thousands of homeless people of 2019. Ant Man, the supreme detective of all comic book heroes, deduces something is amiss. He stumbles upon a memorial to the opening of Wake Me Up Before You Go Go and discovers his own name while frantically looking looking for his daughters name.
His daughter alive (and apparently living by herself as a teenager), Ant Man recognizes his importance and heads cross country in a van with a humorously racist horn. Ant Man arrives magically in DC or New York or wherever 30 seconds later, bringing Cap and Nat hope for the first time in years that they can undo the Grapes of Wrath circa 2018!
After some trial and error, the team figures out how to travel through time in swirling tunnels. The plan is to go get all the finite rocks, bring them back to the future, and white guy at a wedding dance until everyone comes back to life. Ant Man, Iron Man and Hulk go back to the first Avengers movie and bring in cameos from the rest of the franchise to get three of the six. Thor and Rocket travel to the time where A-List actresses were in need of a paycheck to pick up the red one and the hammer Muller Report. Robin Hood and Her go meet up with Not Agent Smith to get the yellow one, leading to the Joaquin Phoenix crying in the row behind us as Her meets her death. Black Iron Man and Blue Horsehead head to the beginning of Guardians of the Galaxy, where after punching Andy from Parks & Rec, and through some gibberish router problem, Stellar Nursery crosses robot brains with her 2014 self.
Green Uhura, younger Bitchy Blue Crab and Barney the Dinosaur discover the plot, and follow the Avengers back to the future. After everyone gets back, the team puts a new glove together and blings it out with universe altering pebbles. Hulk determines he’s the only one who can survive getting jiggy with the gauntlet, snaps back to reality trillions of people (no doubt putting a strain on resources in the aftermath that no one talks about).
Once this happens, Genger attacks the Avenger base, and all hell breaks loose. A clusterfuck of rubble and punching occurrs and just as we think Spyro is about to pull off his best UPN sitcom impression again, every god damn actor in Hollywood shows up to fight him off. I think I saw myself as an accidental extra. This leads to the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Captain America to say “Avengers….ASSEMBLE!!!!”
All your favorites, including Black Panther and Spider-Man return through Benedict Cumber-hatches. I about had a seizure from all of the punching and kicking, but the film gave all characters their own little moment in battle. This goes on for 17 years, allowing for social justice and more punching. Finally, just when I was finished rolling my eyes because Captain America can use the hammer of Jeff, the new gauntlet ends up on the hand of Iron Man, who snaps like the COB in Hunt for Red October, finally making Thanos into a dust bunny.
We’re then given some closure. Iron Man dies, and everyone including Job Favreau (whose character is renamed Sad) shows up for the funeral. Captain America goes back in time and stays there. He shows up in old age makeup, hands his shield to Anthony Mackie, and in a moment that is sure to piss off half of Charlottesville, gives him the title of Captain America. The movie finally ends with Cap and Eileen (get it?) dancing to shitty music. The end credits roll and anyone who was in the movie gets their own moment on screen. The original Avengers get their own big moment in the credits as their signatures come across screen.
That’s where I finally lost it. If you’ve stuck around this far, I’ll refresh your memory that I’m a Trekkie, and that end credits moment legit ripped off Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country. How DARE you?!?! We were the original nut job fan base, you don’t get to steal our thunder AND rip off an iconic moment for the original series actors!!!
Much like this article, the movie could’ve used more editing. *Note From The Actual Editor – I tried really hard to edit this – failed* We were gone for 5 hours to see it. I’m also tired of martial arts being the primary form of combat for god like creatures. That said, it was worth the time to be part of the cultural phenomenon, and I’m glad we did. I give it a solid B+. Sound off in the comments in what you thought of the movie, and let me know if I got anything wrong in my review! Until next time…
-The Disney Cynic
“I’m all beers!”