Today begins “Day 4” of the COVID19 / Coronavirus pandemic and America seems still super confused about just what the hell we’re supposed to do. Just so we have our timelines right, I’m counting this as the fourth day because Friday was when the President spoke, shit hit the fan and everything started to be “postponed”. You would think we’ve never been had an outbreak before. While yes, there’s some reason be concerned, thus far the symptoms are relatively mild unless you’re an 80 year old smoker.
From the updates I’ve gotten on my iPhone, which as we remember from our Statement on Friday is immune to viruses like COVID19, we’re not supposed to travel anywhere, with even Disney parks closing their gates until at least April. Schools across the country are closing. Literally every sports league but bowling has been cancelled. I’m rewatching games on YouTube like a psychopath Alabama fan just to get my fix. People are physically fighting over paper products and hand sanitizer at grocery stores. Dogs and cats are living together. It’s mass hysteria. The world is scared. I don’t really blame them but I’m also not overly concerned personally. Why? I already enjoy living my life practicing “social distance”.
Because I am already an expert in Social Distance and clearly many Americans are not prepared for this, I thought I would share some helpful tips on how to get through these trying times:
1. Know your streaming services – You’re going to have a lot of time on your hands if you’re going no where and doing nothing, and with no live sports to distract you from the ever increasing panic of the news & social media, that means you’ll be watching a lot of stuff on streaming platforms. I know the gut reaction for Disney fans is Disney+, but be careful. Unless you’re obsessed with 1990’s family sitcoms, there’s not a ton of long-term content. Adding Frozen 2 was a really cool gesture on behalf of Disney, but unless you’re 4 years old, I don’t know if that’s re-watchable for two weeks straight. You’re going to want to go back to Netflix and Hulu, specifically the commercial free option with the latter. Find an hour-long TV show of 5 or more seasons you’ve been meaning to watch and knock it out.
2. Be careful which documentaries you choose – There are some truly fascinating or visually stunning documentaries available for viewing, but after a couple on the same subject, say space flight or archaeology, the streaming algorithms start suggesting stuff that’s tangentially related and you’re prone to just let it ride. It’s ok, let it ride with Ancient Aliens or Curse of Oak Island, just recognize what you’re watching. If you start thinking that Zeta Reticuli is the home of the Reptilians or that the ancient Israeli’s sailed all the way to Canada just to stop at a barrier island and hide the Ark of the Covenant, know that you need a break and maybe go outside for an hour before pressing “Keep Watching”. Also, since History Channel is a part of the Disney family, you’re supporting the company by tuning in.
3. Have multiple comfortable clothes options – Pandemics are no time to dress up. You’re damn sure not going to need a tie until you’re cured or…well, you know…anyway, make sure every last one of your gym shorts (or yoga pants for the ladies) and “fat” tee shirts is handy while you’re practicing Social Distance. Who are you trying to look good for? Your family? Nah, they’ve seen you on a Saturday morning. Now is the time to wear that Spring Break 2004 shirt from college.
4. Practice good hygiene, but don’t overdo it – Shower like you normally do. Wash your hands when they’re dirty, or if you’re actually symptomatic and sneeze on them. Don’t bathe in hand sanitizer or spray-bomb your children with Lysol if they start to sniffle. There is such a thing as too clean. I get that you want to be healthy and shit, but the mentality that is going around also leads to being a vegan. Just act like you do when someone has a cold.
5. Don’t go to Costco unless you’re a Dugger – Remember that batshit crazy family from that reality show where you learned nothing but it was on The Learning Chanel? No? Well, there were 23 of them or something. So unless you’re their mom or you’re restocking a restaurant, go to a regular grocery store like a normal person and buy things in comparatively limited but still generally excessive amounts. 12 rolls of toilet paper should last you at least 3 weeks, especially if you learn to time your showers for after pooping. On that note…
6. Now is not the time to experiment with food – If you love jalapeños but know they tend to upset your stomach, for Christ’s sake don’t be a dumb ass. Now is when we should all be eating mac & cheese and breakfast foods. Buy stuff you know is going to get eaten. If you’re bored, find something in the garage to screw with. If you don’t have a garage, then do something that’s not going to cause injury or food poisoning. Hospitals are overwhelmed with hypochondriacs thinking they’re as important as Tom Hanks. Bro, you’re Tom Füllery at best.
Look, there’s about 173 other tidbits I could include, but this is a long read as it is. Hit me up on Twitter @CynicalDisney and I will 100% steer you in the right direction. In the meantime, stay safe / indoors and don’t shake hands with anyone. Instead, pull a Spock…
-The Disney Cynic
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